Why my boyfriend and I drew up a spreadsheet before moving in together

The day before my boyfriend David and I were due to move in together, something occurred to me.

We hadn't yet discussed the "mental load", which some people refer to as "emotional labour" — the invisible, domestic work I was able to put a name to after listening to Ladies We Need To Talk.

I paused the TV show we were watching and picked up my phone, panicked, searching for the podcast episode about the mental load. I needed David to hear it for several reasons:

1. 1.I'd lived with boyfriends in the past and those relationships broke down in part because I ended up doing the majority of the housework: cleaning, cooking and organising, and eventually becoming a mother to my partner.
2. 2.I'm a freelancer who works from home full time, which means that housework often falls to me by virtue of me physically being in the space more, and noticing what needs to be done.
3. 3.Not to throw David under the bus here, but also, sorry to throw you under the bus, Dave (!), but his room at his share house was messy. He hadn't changed his sheets in months. His "doona" was an old sleeping bag and once, he told me, when his sleeping bag was still wet on the line, he slept underneath two overcoats tied together like a cartoon mule. His towels were mouldy. He was using an old yoghurt tub as a toothbrush holder. He didn't own salt or pepper because he rarely cooked. Once, his coat rack which was weighed down with miscellaneous piles of clothes almost crushed me as it toppled over.

As I hit play on the podcast, David groaned that he already knew he needed to do half the domestic labour, to which I groaned, "It's not just the physical act of doing that labour; it's everything leading up to that point, as well."

Several minutes into the podcast, his tune changed completely, with this definition of the mental load from Yumi Stynes clarifying things for him:

In heterosexual relationships, the mental load falls disproportionately to women, which is not only maddening, but also economically damaging as it means women end up spending less of their time and energy on paid work.

It's been fascinating talking to queer family members and friends in relationships about how they divide the mental load. In some instances, the mental load is shared more equitably as neither party finds themselves unconsciously falling into gendered roles.

One of Yumi's guests on the episode is author Eve Rodsky, who talks about how an excel spreadsheet she made for her husband — called The Shit I Do — inspired her to write a book aimed at solving the mental load.

Based on Eve's advice, David and I had a crack at making our own spreadsheet.

We treated our soon-to-be home like a business — avoiding short term fixes like delegation and 50/50 approaches to tasks, and instead focusing on the idea of ownership.

We would both "own" a chore; for example, cleaning the bathroom.

Owning this chore would involve three steps: conceiving (making a mental note that the shower, bathtub, basin and toilet needed scrubbing, and noting what toiletries are running low), planning (ensuring that there are enough cleaning products and toiletries in the house) and then execution (cleaning the bathroom and then sourcing more bathroom supplies if needed).

This process removes one-upmanship and assigns clear responsibility to one party.

David and I discussed what chores we preferred taking on and used that data to create a colour-coded spreadsheet: yellow tasks are mine, blue tasks are David's, and green tasks we complete together (for example, meal plans).

Our list is still growing, but so far David's tasks include: cleaning the bathroom, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking out the rubbish and recycling, caring for plants, planning holidays, dusting, and organising date nights.

My tasks include: caring for pets, maintaining the car, organising groceries and cooking, managing bills, changing bed linen, cleaning the floors, and organising presents for family and mutual friends. Generally, we stick to our tasks but we also help each other pick up the slack where needed.

It's only been several weeks since we moved in together, but the spreadsheet seems to be working: it's made our relationship more relaxed, and enables us to focus on having fun and spending time with each other, without any niggling resentments about housework.

I've learnt how to trust David more by relinquishing control, and David has learnt that "doing proper housework is time consuming", that "there is another way besides chaos" (his words) and that sleeping bags are best suited for camping.

So far, we've found that the key for us has been repetition and consistency, leading to an ultimate goal of habit. Hopefully it all sticks.

And if not, I have this article online as a helpful reminder.